Amy Kay

I’m sitting in the middle of what could possibly be one of the worst decisions of my life.

Lets start from the beginning.
We have a tournament in Kansas City this weekend. Instead of driving with the team for 12 hours, I opted for the quicker (but more expensive) flight. My intention was that the ability to work the Friday before would make up for the cost as well as the sheer sanity I would gain by getting back into town at a “reasonable” hour on Sunday. Its amazing what 12 hours in a small space can do to a person.

Today I went to work. In the spirit of being healthy, I filled up my 32 oz water bottle. I also drank two cups of coffee that definitely negated the water. Anyway. We have filtered water at work and I always love coming home at night with a full bottle of filtered water. It tastes so much better than the tap! I love it!

Jump forward a few hours. I’m at the airport about to go through security, and I realize I have a 3/4ths full bottle of tasty water. Now I can go to the line and watch them pour this gold mine of goodness down the drain. OR I can chug it. Obviously I opt for the latter.

We arrive at the gate about half an hour before its time to board. (I forgot to mention that there were two of us sanity-purchasers.) In the time that it takes to get on the plane I go to the bathroom twice. Clearly a good choice. I just chugged 24oz of water. Filtered water at that. (I’m convinced it goes through faster when its filtered.) Then we board. And as we are boarding I think… “uh oh. I have to go again.” But it should be fine. We’ll get in the air. I’ll go when we get up there.

I sit down. Take a deep breath, and try to focus on the goal. I can’t. I can’t. Its too awful. I can feel my bladder expanding by the second. I try to get up the courage to go to little lavoratory, but I can’t. I mean. You all know those people. The ones that go before the plane takes off. Its weird. I mean. You were just out there. Why not go then? Shouldn’t you be able to hold it? You are old enough to know better! I’m finally to the point of getting up and running to the back of the plane, when they close the door. I can’t do it now. The seatbelt sign just turned on.

But whats next? No, its not sweet relief. I have to get off the ground! That tends to require a lot of shaking and moving and gyrating and changes in momentum. Have you ever tested the effects of changes in momentum on a bladder? Its awful. Its like death every second. So I do what anyone would naturally do. I close my eyes and pray. And I grip the seat handles. And I twist my fingers. And I rock a little. And I stare straight at the ceiling. Now instead of being the creepy passenger that gets up before the flight takes off, I’m now the “first time flyer.” At least this way only a few people notice and not the whole plane.

And whats worse? I started writing this as soon as they said “you can turn on your electronic devices” but they still haven’t turned off the fasten seatbelt sign. I think I’m going to die. The flight attendant came by sometime during the 4th paragraph and asked if I wanted something to drink. I smiled painfully and said no. But I bet if this “problem” wasn’t so debilitating I would have had the urge to say something really witty back like “What? Would you like a punch in the face?” Ok. Maybe that’s not true. But the rest of the story is. For now I’m going to gaze out the window towards the Pacific Ocean and admire the faint stripe of color left on the horizon as the sun sets. At least it’s a poetic death!

7 minutes later.
You know whats coming don’t you? It’s a story about sweet sweet relief. Well that’s not true! Three minutes ago I noticed that the stripe on the horizon was moving. Granted the sun moves so that’s reasonable. But its not moving in a sun-setting direction. Its moving up. Why? Because the plane started going down. Really? Who does that? Who announces that there is a lavatory in the back of the plane that you can use as soon as the captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign? Who does that? Do you have any idea what kind of trauma that can cause a water-chugger like myself? Now we are turning. And they are announcing our “final decent.” Who knew the flight was so fast. I have to turn this off now. I hope I live. Or at least stay dry.